All of us, without a doubt, want the best for ourselves. At least consciously.
However, subconsciously we might get attracted to things and people who are not good for us.
Why is this?
Our subconscious mind always tries to find a way to help us heal our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual self. But our conscious mind rarely notices.
That’s why we might end up in repeating cycles like being unable to sustain a relationship or always ending up with emotionally unavailable partners.
Here are 3 main reasons why you always fall for emotionally unavailable partners:
1. You have a bigger chance meeting an emotionally unavailable person.
According to a research, it seems that avoidants (people who avoid intimacy or deeper connection) dominate the dating market.
The study showed that avoidants who entered a new marriage, post-divorce, were more likely to divorce again. Since this type of person suppresses the emotions of love, they get over partners almost instantly.
The study also showed that avoidants avoid other avoidants because they lack the emotional glue to stay together. Ironically, one study didn’t even find a single pair that was avoidant-avoidant.
Since secure partners settle down once things go ok, and they don’t ask for too much, they are rare on the market. The majority of people in the dating market are emotionally unavailable.
2. You find emotionally unavailable people attractive.
We are always attracted to people who project our deepest insecurities. This is because attraction, getting a partner and creating a relationship is all about both people becoming the best version of themselves. So subconsciously we are attracted to people who show us our insecurities so we can overcome them.
Studies on the science of adult attachment including Paula Pietromonaco (University of Massachusetts) and Katherine Carnelly (University of Southampton – UK) found that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study done by Jeffry Simpson of the University of Minnesota showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men.
People who strongly guard their independence are attracted to partners who invade it. People who desire extreme closeness are attracted to people who are scared of intimacy.
Both of these groups need each other so they can help each other to face their inner shadows. But nobody is consciously aware of this. So the ego comes to play and one group starts to chase while the other runs away.
3. You find emotionally healthy people to be missing “the spark”.
We are taught what is love in our childhood. Our parents are the first people that show us what a romantic love looks like. Whatever they show us that’s what we associate romantic love with, and that’s what we subconsciously look for in a partner.
Most parents don’t have healthy relationships. They give each other mixed emotions and signals, they create unnecessary drama and lie to each other. Children raised in such environments usually seek the same from their partner.
When you meet a secure lover, the messages you receive are honest, straightforward, and consistent. Due to the belief that they are worthy of love, secure lovers are not afraid of intimacy.
If you were raised in an environment where love is associated with drama, emotional inspection, lies and even fighting, that’s what you’ll look for. A secure lover will lack the emotional turmoil that you need in a relationship. You’ll feel like they miss some “spark” even though they are most suitable for a healthy relationship.
All of this is deeply subconscious and rarely can we control it. However, being aware of it is the first step in getting out of this cycle of dating emotionally unavailable and unhealthy individuals.